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I am still trying to find out Who I Am. What my strengths are and where I can apply them. What my weaknesses are, and which occupation would be least affected by them.
It's a heart-rending process in which I know that after graduation, my character will continue to change significantly... but I aim with God's grace and the support of believers that my goals in life will still revolve around selflessness and compassion to the poor, widowed, sick, and fatherless.
Confronting weaknesses often end in blaming God for allowing me to be what I am.
"What sorrows awaits those who argue with their creator.
Does a clay pot argue with its maker?
Does the clay dispute with the One who shapes it?
'Stop, you're doing it wrong,'
Does the pot explain
'How clumsy can you be?'
How terrible it would be if a newborn baby said to its father
'Why was I born?'
or if it said to its mother
'Why did you make me this way?'
...
Do you question what I do for My children?
Do you give me orders about the work of My hands?
I am the one who made the earth and created people to live in it.
With My hands I stretched out the heavens
All the stars are at My command.
I will raise up Cyrus to fulfill my righteous purpose.
And I will guide his action.
He will restore my city and free my captive people --
without seeking a reward!"
I the Lord of Heaven's Armies have spoken.
Isaiah 45:9-13.
1) God's purposes will prevail. If I am disgruntled He will raise up someone else to take my place, someone that will not ask for reward, because he recognizes the honor it is to serve the Lord. (God's leaders aren't interested in personal glory or gain, and are not tempted by it)
2) God's heart lies for those that are captive to their futility and can't find a way out.
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| Today at clinical....I felt vulenerable and useless.
Girl comes in. dad's a drunk. mom's a drunk. dad attempted suicide.
mom and girl fight ... so much verbal destruction.... so much swearing, tearing of each other's self-esteem.. so much... "you're a burden"
girl is super depressed. mom wants to get rid of her by institutionalizing her.
she has no place else to live. mom doens't want to pay her bills cuz she is in debt. so she wants the daughter to work and move out… or be hospitalized.
our remedy? increase visits with daughter to twice a week. suggest therapy and push her back home where she is strained so much that she says she has to leave her resting area to avoid suicidal thoughts.
so messed up. so messed up.
not effective at all. it doesn't address any of the girl's concerns. like a frigging slap in the face for someone at wit's end. and i wonder.. is this the occupation i am going into.. to waste my time and energy following a system that obviously has so many flaws?
I've been preparing my heart for a while to go into mental health. I studied neuroscience .. I've made efforts to study drug abuse, tolerance and addictions.. because I know the future populations I may deal with.. will be stricken with many of these things...
And yet... I don't have the patience for it's slow pace.. for it's never resolving abyss of ISSUES.
I'm not suited. I'm not happy?
Bleh. I don't know.
The best things.. are sometimes the hard-earned. I WILL BE LIGHT, WHEREVER I GO.
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| "Everybody wants heaven, but no one wants dead." ... ain't that the truth. | | |
| I'm not sure about mental health.
I don't think I like it.
To be fair, I've only been through one introductory clinical session. It's not knowing what to do with society's most random, most erratic, most awkward individuals.... the feeling of being alienated and helpless is amplified.
Prison is easier than a mental health ward.
In prison, people are lucid. They made decisions... and are therefore capable of rationalizing through better options.
In a mental health ward, there is a limit. It's so much more about maintenance and perpetually making a people FEEL better fully knowing that... "better" is a relative term. So the atmosphere is "remember that your investment isn't gonna pay off like normal." That's a depressing, hopeless environment to be in. It sucks you dry. Makes you feel vulnerable and on edge.
Week 1 of 6.
Thinking of doing this as a career makes my stomach turn.
"Your grace is sufficient" YOU GOTTA MAKE THIS REAL GOD. I don't know how to last, how to be authentic, how to communicate, how to preserve and emanate security and mercy.
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| The past 6 days... have only amplified this feeling of just wanting to GET IT OVER WITH.
Granted the past 6 days have been completely (almost) designated to studying paediatric systems and pathologies....
Some days it's better than others... and then there was today.
Today I was wondering... am I still trying rehash the past?
I couldn't help wondering... what significant role I am to play in the future. My present is pathetic... I just want to GET to the future and "start living."
Why Toronto God? Mumbai, Thailand.... THEY really need help. WHY TORONTO GOD?
Why am I here. Why is my future here?
I get distracted by dumb thoughts.... feelings that will only leave me feeling empty again once over.
Being God's light isn't just getting in people's faces to start conversations and thoughts. The art of learning where people come from, packaging it in a way that preserves authenticity but is relevant ... takes practice and many failures.
God just take away this skepticism I have.
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